


Isn't it Nice to Know a Lot? (And a Little Bit Not)

by curi_o



Series: Pain for Jayne [8]
Category: Firefly
Genre: Content: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-23
Updated: 2006-08-23
Packaged: 2017-11-09 00:42:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/449346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curi_o/pseuds/curi_o
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He really had to talk to the girl soon, before he lost his marbles, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Isn't it Nice to Know a Lot? (And a Little Bit Not)

**Author's Note:**

> Pain for Jayne prompt: Trash
> 
> _Now I know: don't be scared.  
>  Granny is right; just be prepared.  
> Isn't it nice to know a lot!  
> And a little bit not…_
> 
>  _— "I Know Things Now", Stephen Sondheim_ (from  Into the Woods)

* * *

He’d been dotin’ on the moonbrain long enough, he thought. He’d offered himself as a sparrin’ partner, even though it was dangerous to his health. For her birthday, he’d built her a platform for dancin’ in the bay, so she didn’t cut her bare feet. It even folded up so Cap’n No-Fun couldn’t complain about it takin’ up space. 

He’d told his ma about her an’ hinted that some socks an’ maybe a skirt’n hat’n sweater’n scarf’n mittens might not go amiss. His ma’d suggested _he_ learn to knit, but she’d made clothes that fit the li’l killer woman surprisingly well, given that all she had to go on was the mercenary’s descriptions. Jayne maybe hadn’t stopped callin’ her names, but it was more affectionate teasin’ now. Anyone could see that.

‘Course, if’n they were seein’ it, they certainly weren’t gettin’ as worked up as they ought. Mal was s’posed to threaten to toss him out the airlock an’ Simon was s’posed to turn red and get all sputtery and Inara was s’posed to look at him like a lecherous _hun dan_ and Zoe was s’posed to grab her gun an’ wait for Mal’s order to shoot. Kaylee’d be torn, wantin’ everyone an’ everything to be shiny, o’course.

An’ _she_ was s’posed to be the one shoutin’ at them all, “No, do not allow him to freeze and/or ass—assfixy—assfixer—get smothered in the black without a suit! I love him! Or, y’know, don’t mind him so much.” An’ then she’d turn those big brown eyes on him all full of adoration and then she’d turn’em into puppy-dog eyes and save him from Cap’n an’ Simon an’ Zoe. 

Well, Mal’d have to save him from Zoe, he supposed. Anyway, that’s how he figured it was meant to go down. An’ everyone’d be happy ever after, once Kaylee trapped Simon into proposin’ and Mal an’ ‘Nara stopped actin’ like they was doin’ one of those weird dances where the partners never actually touched, but you could just see that all they wanted to do was sex each other up.

Hmm… sex. Maybe that was another reason it was about time to have a talk with the Tam girl. He’d stopped seekin’ after trim once he realized he wanted the girl (an’ after he’d had an “unfortunate experience” with some paid company tryin’ to convince himself he didn’t). He’d figured she probably wouldn’t take kind to a man courtin’ her who was sleepin’ with lots of other women. ‘Cause females were funny like that.

‘Course, if’n he thought on it, (an’ he did, ‘cause with a girl like the crazy, men’s heads snapped to attention—both of ‘em.) he weren’t comfortable with the idea of her sexin’ up anyone else, neither. Every time he did see some two-bit sumbitch what weren’t good enough for the likes of her starin’ at her an’ lickin’ his lips, Jayne made _gorram_ sure to catch his eye and snarl. She maybe weren’t his, just yet, but that didn’t mean he weren’t gonna keep trash from tryin’ to take her away.

Not that she’d’ve gone. She was all kinds of too smart for that. Hell, she was too smart for him, and he knew it. She was a ruttin’ genius, after all. That’s why them Academy sons of whores what was shat out a Reaver’s arse wanted her in the first place. If he ever saw another one of ‘em, he’d make good an’ _gorram_ sure they couldn’t resemble nothin’ like a human bein’ for their funeral.

He’d even figured out what he’d say, best he could. He was gonna apologize for bein’ such a ruttin’ idiot, first, ‘cause he hadn’t done that part official-like yet. An’ then he’d talk ‘bout how sexy it was when she was killin’ bad men an’ Reavers, which were his own personal closet-monsters. An’ then he’d make it good an’ clear that he wanted her to be his, for the rest’f his natural life. He weren’t such a fan of unnatural lives. 

An’ he’d also promise never to try to turn her in again an’ never to do more’n look at another piece of trim again. An’ he’d promise to never kill her brother an’ even try to not say mean things to the dumb little Core-bred pansy. An’ he’d try not to get too drunk an’ do nothin’ too stupid. An’ he’d sex her better’n anyone else in the ‘verse possibly could, ‘cause he knew what he was doin’, an’ he liked her better’n anyone he’d ever sexed before.

He thought that was a pretty good deal, all in all. He weren’t never gonna be all fancified an’ smooth like the doc, but he figured that weren’t what the ship’s albatross’d want, anyway. No core-bred, smooth-faced, pimply-arsed little runt could treat her right, given that she was a weapon an’ not all Companion-like an’ proper’n good at followin’ the rules. 

Hell, Core men weren’t no good at takin’ care of their women, anyway. That guy who’d run a sword through Mal (the first time; not that _hun dan_ was tryin’ to kill the moonbrain ‘cause of her knowin’ secrets)—he’d heard Nara’d “blacklisted” him on account of his tryin’ to push her ‘round.

He’d like to see some Osiris-bred boy try pushin’ the little witch around. Well, one ‘sides her brother. The boy who did that’d likely end up in all manner of uncomfortable positions, an’ not the ones a body got to in bed.

Ooh. Bed. He really had to talk to the girl soon, before he lost his marbles, too. She was probably in the mess. Weren’t no time like the present to get a thing done, he figured, even if the thought of it did make a body’s stomach feel like Simon’d been cookin’ again.

“Simon, that’s too mean!” 

Well, that was his girl, gigglin’ at her brother. He probably oughta wait ‘til the doc was out of the room a’fore confessin’ his whole soul to Simon’s precious _mei-mei_. An’ if he listened, he could find out what was makin’ her laugh so he had somethin’ to talk about an’ make her laugh, too.

“River, it’s true! And to think he had the gall to call _us_ ‘space trash!’” 

Huh. Maybe someone else’d had the same idea as Jayne had when them two first got on. That was a long time back, now. A body’d better think long’n hard these days before callin’ any of this crew names where Jayne could hear ‘em; that was for _gorram_ sure.

“Well, it likely _is_ difficult to gain proper perspective on one’s relative level of refuse if one is at the bottom looking up. At the bottom, ‘up’ looks very similar to ‘down.’” 

Damn if he had any idea what the girl was sayin’, but she sounded all manner of sane’n that suited him just shiny. Didn’t like it when she was havin’ a spell, ‘cause it made him want to go kill all them evil Alliance _hun dan_ , an’ if he did that, he’d be like to die and never see her again, anyway.

“Well, I think his little crush on you is absolutely horrifying, _mei-mei_. A man his age, so uneducated and uncouth and… ape-like, thinking he could possibly satisfy my brilliant sister—it would be laughable, if it weren’t so unsettling.” 

Well, that was new. There was some other sumbitch tryin’ to court the moonbrain? How did that slip past his attention?

“Dearest Simon, I’m sure I may safely promise you never to return Jayne’s affection. Can you imagine the progeny? They would be tiny, like me, and completely unintelligent, like the ape-man.”

Simon was making disgusted noises as River continued imagining scenarios out of an impossible life with Jayne. He wasn’t feelin’ so good after hearin’ that conversation. He’d been the biggest fool in the ‘verse, an’ the girl’d known it all along. The whole _crew_ ’d known it an’ they let him look stupid! Well, it weren’t like they ever stopped him from lookin’ stupid, but this was for their own amusement, and that was _gorram_ different.

Well, if they didn’t none of them respect him, maybe it was time to stop carin’ ‘bout them right back. He’d go off down to his bunk and have a grand ol’ time imaginin’ how he was gonna show them he didn’t give a good _gorram_ what any of the lot of them thought.

**Author's Note:**

> There is, indeed, a fluffy sequel to this. It's called ["Bliss"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/449356).


End file.
